• biostitute (by.AWS.tuh.toot) n. A biologist who supports a company or activity that is harmful to the environment.
    —biostitution n.
BIOSTITUTES UNLIMITED is a confederaton of biologists, ecologists, and environmental scientists who will rent their expertise and credentials to the highest bidder, which is in nearly every case is an environmentally destructive industry. Rarely do citizen's groups or non-profit conservation organizations have the funds to hire us to work toward the protection of endangered species, old-growth forests or other threatened resources.

Our associates have Ph.D. degrees in numerous areas and have produced and written hundreds of EA's (Environmental Assessments) and EIS's (Environmental Impact Statements) that were so misleading and cleverly crafted that power companies have been able to fragment and destroy thousands of acres of fragile native forest and other ecosystems, coal mining companies have been able to blast off entire mountain tops, and departments of transportation have been able to spend billions of dollars helping urban blight and sprawl consume thousands of acres of farmland so that the petroleum industry could sell millions of barrels on oil to new hords of commuters.

We have ornothologists for example, who can convince any judge in America, that bulldozing down a few Eagle nests or Red-cockaded Woodpecker cavity trees is good for the birds, forcing the birds to regroup and double their breeding efforts, thus producing many more offspring than if they had just been left alone.

We have archaeologists who will swear under oath, that bulldozing through a Native American religious ceremonial site is good for America since we are now a "Christian Only Nation" and we need to get rid of any vestiges of paganism and show the "Great Spirit" that our American God is superior.

We have forest ecologists who will convince both judge and jury that there is more species diversity in a clearcut than in a decadent old-growth forest and that those old decaying trees need to be cut down for the health of the forest.

We guarantee that no matter how nefarious and destructive your company's proposed project is, we can push it through any Federal or State Agency regardless of what the Sierra Club or any other environmental organization can put together in the way of roadblocks.

"When we first went to college, we were naive kids who actually thought that we would devote our lives to keeping America strong and beautiful. How stupid we were. We either had to work for free or get paid wages so low that we had to sleep on floors and live off of food stamps. We saw the captains of industry driving around in new Mercedes and flying around in Lear Jets and we said, the hell with it. We went to college for eight years and now we are going to use our knowledge to make money and the hell with the environment. You only live once anyway."

We also have specialists in making the right political contributions and who can get laws changed to allow our clients to do anything they damn well please.

Please visit our web site at for more information. Our specialists are also good at locating professors at major universities who for as little as $500 per hour will testify according to any script that we present to them. Find out more at


This web site is brought to you by The Universal Ethician Church as part of our educational mission to expose the ethical and moral corruption that has infected thousands of biologists and other scientists with a form of the "Satan Virus".

Your tax deductable contribution will help us in our efforts to protect and perserve God's Holy Creation.

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September 23, 2004